It is better to look up.

I have figured out the source of my unhappiness.

Two years ago, on October 3, 2009, I was in St. George, Utah.  I had just finished running a marathon: 26.2 miles on a warm fall day.  I was DEAD tired.  But I was happy.  I had trained for five months to be able to do exactly that.  As I was training, I told myself I would NEVER do it again.  It was too hard and too much time.  Sweat, side aches, blisters, toenails falling off, shin splints, nights that I only slept five hours.  It wasn't the race that I didn't want to do again, but the training.  As I started out the fastest five miles of my life that morning, though, I said out loud (to myself and to my faithful running partner, Tim) "Who are we kidding?  Of course we're going to do this again."  It was wonderful.  I never knew how great I could feel while physically punishing my body.  Yes, it took me forever to finish, and yes, I ached like HECK going up or down stairs, sitting or standing or lying down.  But I had made the choice to train and to do it, and I did.  I loved that experience.

One year ago, on October 2, 2010, I was in Caldera, Chile.  I had been in Chile since April, and I was sitting in the chapel with a brand new sister, Hermana Vilche.  We were streaming General Conference from a laptop in our chapel, since it was too far to get to the stake center in Copiapo (a bus ride of about 1 hour, 15 minutes) with the people we were teaching.  Not that any of the people we were teaching came, but we thought they would.  I was serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  That particular Saturday, we watched the Relief Society broadcast, we watched the morning session of General Conference, then we had a branch lunch and a baptism.  Luis, an absolutely wonderful man with an incredible moustach, had made a choice to follow our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and get baptized into his church.  He was extremely happy and so were we.  I felt about the same as I had felt one year before: wonderfully tired and so satisfied.  I had to make large sacrifices to be in Chile.  I spent many sleepless nights worrying about the people I loved so much.  We worked all day, every single day, and I loved it.

This weekend, I did nothing that compares to either of those experiences.  Yesterday, I got up and ran a measly six miles.  I watched Conference, I baked, I spent time idly chatting with some friends and studying here or there.  Today I'm in Salt Lake with my brother.  We watched Conference, went on a drive in Emigration Canyon, and I'm making dinner now.  Where are all my life-changing experiences?  I need some goals.  But I don't have any good ideas.  I don't have any specific goals that really inspire me, that really motivate me to change my life, to be better, to serve others.  I want to do those things, but I have no idea where to start.

Well, it's time.  Time to do something that I can be proud of.  So that I never again have to look back and realize that I have fallen from where I used to be.  Life is a progression, or should be.  Feel free to suggest life-altering goals that you feel I can accomplish.  I definitely need some help.


  1. according to this entry, you have all the help you need. you're full of life, progression, and happiness. you are what you are and you are AMAZING.
    “I have no genius for seeming” General stonewall Jackson

  2. Just an acronym for you: PMTSD.

    Post-mission traumatic stress disorder. I seriously think the church needs to create a counseling center for returned missionaries.


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